MAJOR FACTORS NEEDED FOR GENUINE INTIMACY IN RELATIONSHIPS

God invites us to go deeper rather than to be content with surface matters (Swindoll 1996, 14).  Wilson and Hoffman contend that there are nine major factors needed for genuine intimacy in relationships: Take the Risk Toward Relationship; Learn to Express Emotions; Fight Fair; Express Anger Positively; Welcome Help; Offer Help; Physical Affirmation; Laugh More; Adventure with Others; and Play with Others (Wilson and Hoffmann 2007, 55-58).  Presumably, this list is not exhaustive yet provides a general platform from which to generate discussion, reflection and application in establishing or strengthening intimacy with others.  Three of these factors are provided below as being significantly important and an effective tool in building intimacy.  They are offered with the understanding that intimate relationships that are healthy can only be found in three primary relationships: people with God; man and woman in the context of marriage; and same-gender.

Take the Risk Toward Relationship

The notion of taking the initiative toward starting a new relationship or growing an existing one can be a significant step for most people.  To experience depth in any relationship one or both parties will need to take a step towards the other through the activity of initiative.  In other words, one person needs to make the first move and the other person needs to respond in kind.  The risk toward relationship involves the possibility of rejection, judgment, condemnation and failure.  Indeed, I am convinced that the primary barrier to this step is the fear of rejection.  For many, this fear is too great a risk and the safety of maintaining the status quo (whether it is good or bad) is the equilibrium of familiarity.  As such, familiarity is comfortable because it is predictable and safer than exposing oneself to the possibility of emotional pain.  Because most people tend to avoid pain at all costs, the fear of being rejected through the initiation of a new relationship or the strengthening of an existing one must be supplanted with a healthy and Biblical understanding of who we are in Christ.  Only then, can the risk toward relationship be acceptable because the fear of rejection is cast in the proper light of finding value and self-worth in what God thinks of us rather than of what others think of us.  To be sure, taking the risk toward relationship is a necessary and foundational step towards the cultivation of healthy intimacy with God and other people.

Fight Fair

Choosing to be vulnerable and sharing how we feel is also a risk.  Inherent to this vulnerability and willingness to share are the concept of opinions and perceptions.  Indeed, we must cultivate intimacy through the intentional decision of not perceiving what others say or do as a personal attack or affront.  It is the idea of being willing to disagree without being disagreeable.  It is a willingness to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19).  It is intentionally being pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good frit, impartial and sincere (James 3:17).  It is assuming the best about the motives and intentions of the other person without taking their words personal.  This concept has been an exceptional challenge for me as I perceive conflict as attacks and take them very personally.  It is the idea of having liberty in non-essentials and in all things love.  To be sure, ideas can be rejected without rejecting the person ( (Wilson and Hoffmann 2007, 56).  Indeed, intimacy can be cultivated without holding the same opinion and without holding the same view or perception.  We can practice Paul’s exhortation to accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters (Romans 14:1) as an ingredient to fighting fair and cultivating intimacy.

Express Anger Positively

Further, I am convinced that both parties must be committed to intentionally cultivating an environment where each feels safe to be vulnerable and share with the other.  Indeed, safety breeds intimacy.  If one party fears criticism then they will be unwilling to be vulnerable and honest.  If one party anticipates anger, resentment and sarcasm, then there will be an unwillingness to express and expose their true feelings and the depth of their heart.  Additionally, is the notion of being willing to do whatever it takes to ensure we are doing all that we can to cultivate the environment to build intimacy.  We should make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification (Romans 14:19).  I have been growing in this area by completely adjusting my approach to my wife to cultivate intimacy through establishing and maintaining a safe relational environment to openly share.

Cultivating intimacy requires openly sharing how we, ourselves, feel rather than trying to project what others are feeling and thinking.  Indeed, telling the other person how they feel or what they should feel is more akin to cultivating angst than health.  Rather, sharing how we feel is an expression of our emotional response or reaction to what we are experiencing in the relationship and provides an avenue to be known fully.  Conversely, is the willingness to draw from the well of the heart of the other by asking them how they feel.  Further is the notion of reflective listening whereby we repeat back to the other what we heard and understood to ensure both parties are arriving at a deeper awareness, appreciation, love and intimacy for the other.  The non-threatening safety that has been cultivated and a willingness to vulnerably share without attacking and being attacked will ensure intimacy can grow and deepen.

WORKS CITED

Swindoll, Charles R. Intimacy With the Almighty: Encountering Christ in the Secret Places of Your Life. Dallas, TX: Word Publishing, 1996.

Wilson, Michael Todd, and Brad Hoffmann. Preventing Ministry Failure: A ShepherdCare Guide for Pastors, Ministers and other Caregivers. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2007.